5176 - Saturday jokes

Some people accuse me of making words up.

Ironicalistically, I know English better than they do.

His vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

Is it ok to wash athlete's foot with running water?

One of my ancestors was a female court jester, Lois the Fool. She invented the pun. The King was so impressed that he asked her what she called those witty snippets of humor. "I call them 'puns,' my Lord." The King arose and stated in a loud voice, "Henceforth, let it be known throughout the realm that a pun is the Lois form of humor."

I’ve written a joke about Elton John. It’s a little bit funny.

A choir of angles. ^la^la^la^la^la^la

What do you get, when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Eight years old...Kid's in little league. He was on first base. He stole third. He went straight across.

He learned earlier the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. So he took advantage of that knowledge.

He argued that second base was out of his way.

The Lego store has re-opened! People are lined up for blocks.

At my funeral can someone dress in all black with an umbrella and watch from a distance so my family thinks I had something big and mysterious going on?

I really want to learn how to juggle, but I just don’t have the balls to do it.

If Wednesday is hump day, does that make Tuesday foreplay day?

How long does someone have to be dead before it's considered archeology instead of grave robbing?

(Don't forget to call 811 before you dig.)

I was always taught to respect my elders but it's getting harder and harder to find one.

The silence after your kid falls is the worst silence.

Because they're just fine or... They're filling their lungs with enough air to mimic an air raid siren.

So, where do you go to find out how heavy your pie is?

Somewhere over the rainbow of course!

(sing along... somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie)

The flat earth society is reporting that the 6-foot social distancing requirements are pushing some of their members over the edge. 

Skidded my face along my driveway last night after a couple too many, I know I know, it’s my own asphalt.

tRUMP - The devil's best work was being able to convince Evangelicals that a vulgar, greedy, racist man who has 5 children with three wives, pays porn stars for sex, gropes women, incites violence, and never tells the truth, was sent here by god.

My neighbor found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. 

The lady went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Wife: ”Honey, soon there will be 3 of us here! Isn’t that great?”

Husband: ”Oh darling, that is simply wonderful”.

Wife: ”I’m so happy you reacted that way! I told my Mom you won’t mind her moving in!”

Bumped into a mannequin and said sorry.

And then I said, "Oh I thought you were a person."

Then I realized I was still talking to a mannequin.