Saturday, June 19, 2021

5183 - Saturday jokes

The cashier said, "Strip down facing me".
By the time I realized they meant the credit card, it was too late.

Today I saved $241.58 by not going to Target for deodorant.

Does anyone know where to buy a longer dipstick? 
Mine doesn't reach the oil anymore.

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

Mosquito bite? 
Heat a spoon with a torch and place it on the bite.
The hot spoon will stop the itch fast.
Tune in next week for "How to treat a bad burn".

This bears repeating...
If we're not meant to have midnight snacks,
why is there a light in the refrigerator?

When you're young you play with them.
When you're old you start losing them.

If you ask me, a worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early.

There was a huge fight at the seafood restaurant.
There were battered fish everywhere.

Older forms of English kept Latin's gender-specific suffixes -tor and -trix; tor for men and trix for women.
So a male pilot is an aviator, a female pilot is an aviatrix. Gladiator; gladiatrix, etc.
This contrasts with the modern system where tor is both for men and women, and trix is for kids.

I lent my girlfriend a lot of money for cosmetic surgery a while ago.
I've been trying to get my money back, but I can't find her because I don't know what she looks like.

A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"
"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies.
His friend responds, "That's a strange ambition to have for a career."
"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

Me: I'm having a really good day except for new pussycat.
Him: What's new pussycat?
Me: Whooaaa whoaaaa whooaaa oooohhhh!

Her message: See you later, love you xxx
His message: Love you too
Her message: Babe it would mean a lot to me if you'd put some X's at the end of your replies xxx
His message: OK, love you too, Donna, Jackie, Karen, and Becky

Maybe the reason newborn babies cry is cuz reincarnation is real, and they be like..."NOOO, not this shit again!!!"

The Sperm Clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in the cup.
I said I wasn’t ready for competitive masturbating.

A friend asked me who my favorite vampire was.
"That puppet from Sesame Street", I replied.
They told me he didn't count.
I said, "I beg to differ."

My nurse friend broke her leg, can you help supply me with nurse and broken leg puns to remind her that it is all going tibia ok?

#analbumcover - If you read this the same way I did then the internet has ruined you too.

P: Will I be OK doc?
D: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now.
P: I don't do that astrology stuff.
D: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.

They say that eating palm leaves can cure constipation.
With fronds like that, who needs enemas?

My boss always laughed at my jokes at work. 
But since the pandemic, she never laughs at them on Zoom calls. 
I asked her why.
She said, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny".

Tinkerbell finds out she has an overweight cousin.

I bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles.
No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.

Shoe repair sign...
I will heel you.
I will save your sole.
I will even dye for you.

The judge was having an affair with the bailiff.
Apparently, there was ardor in the court.

I knew a gal that worked on a road crew and helped pave roads.
Her nickname was Tars-Anne.

My friends tell me I have Foot in Mouth Disease. 
My medical diagnosis is Tongue in Cheek. 
Sole cure: put actual foot in mouth and keep it there.

A car's weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.

The philosophy class all brought their assignment, Plato.
Except for Jimmy who unknowing brought play-dough.

I knew a guy that liked to swirl his drinks.
I called him Eddy.

Famous last words...
Dad peanut to mom peanut.
"Bye hon, I'll be back in a jif."

Ironically, aibohphobia is the fear of palindromes.

Why does ice water tastes better than regular water?
Because ice is water, and water is water.
So if you put ice in water, it's double water!

Ask a socialist why they hate capitalism, and they'll give you a myriad of reasons.
Ask a capitalist why they hate socialism and they'll describe capitalism.

I like to pick up hitchhikers.  When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt.  I want to try something.  I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."

I have a question for you.
If you knew what you didn't know, how much would you know that you never knew you knew?

Bartender: What can I get you?
Blonde: Can I try a beer?
Bartender: Anheuser Busch?
Blonde: Fine thanks, how's your dick?

A guy was standing on the edge of a huge chasm.
He wondered if there would be an echo if he hollered.
"HELLO," he hollered.
Turned out it was a sarchasm.

Do you ever have so much stuff planned for the next day and then you wake up and you're just like, "Nah".
(Nope, I would never put myself in that situation anymore.)

Don't you just hate it when the teacher walks up to you during an exam, looks at your paper, then shouts out, "Guy's, please make sure you read the questions carefully!"

I'll bet you 13946324587 dollars that you didn't read that number. You just skipped right over it. And you didn't notice that I put a letter in the middle of it. And you went back and looked and there was no letter.

Believing that one's behavior is affected by the phases of the moon is lunacy.

If a cow stops giving milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

You can walk around Walmart eating grapes and nobody will bother you.
But pop open a beer and here comes security.

I put brick wallpaper over a real brick wall. People come over and I say, “Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.”

Do you notice that when you lose the remote you lose trust in everyone?
"Are you sitting on the remote?"
"Get up."


Elephant's Child said...

The sarchasm has my vote today.

Mike said...

Sue - Sarchasm always gets an upvote from me.

Bilbo said...

I hope that girl on the road crew sticks around. Oh, wait ... she will.

LJ (with just a hint of Eric Idle) said...

Mike, wouldn`t it have been great if the cashier had been talking to the quite astonishing 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985 and she`d misinterpreted what he`d said in the same way...COR...WOW...WEY-HEY...nudge nudge...wink wink...grin grin, SAY NO MORE ! ! !.

Kathy G said...

With the Inbev merger I think they started phasing out the Anheuser Busch name in favor of the shorter A-B. Pretty soon young people will have no idea it was called anything else.

Kirk said...

Why the "ardor" link? Afraid people weren't going to get the joke?

Debra She Who Seeks said...

That first one is a CLASSIC!

Mike said...

Bilbo - Her boyfriend says she's really clingy.

LJ - I think that's what all her pictures on the internet are. Her right after getting instructions from a clerk.

Kathy - Sad but true. It's sort of like me telling kids about Southwestern Bell.

Kirk - Exactly. Just like I didn't. But once I knew I thought, this is funny.

Deb - Have you mistakenly done that? Is there video?