5239 - Saturday jokes

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.” She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.” Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me — you’ve eaten my socks.”

What does not kill you, mutates and tries again and again and again...

What disease did cured ham actually have?

My friend asked me to explain what procrastination meant, I told her I would try and explain it tomorrow.

I took a Viagra and my girlfriend started yelling that the whole erection was rigged!

Why is it called a colon polyp and not an assteroid?

I slipped into a deep depression this morning after a sinkhole appeared in my backyard overnight.

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice from above said, “There are no fish down there.” 

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.” 

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.” 

He looked up and asked, “Dear Lord, is that you?” 

“No, you idiot,” the voice said, “it’s the rink manager.”

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her.

Finally, she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

The pastor asks his flock, "What would you like people to say when you're in your casket?" 

One congregant says, "I'd like them to say I was a fine family man." 

Another says, "I'd like them to say I helped people." 

The third responds, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! I think he's moving!' "

A company owner was asked a question,   

How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces.  One is paid parking."

If you need help with English,

I'm hear!

Dad, do trees poop?

Of course. That's how we get number 2 pencils.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, “What's less?"

The guy says, "I don't know, but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

Roadkill cafe...

You kill it ... We grill it

From your grill to ours.

Two friends, an Italian boy, and a Jewish boy come of age at the same time. The Italian boy’s father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold watch.

The next day in school, the two boys are showing each other what they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other’s present better, and so they trade.

That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him looking at the watch.

“Where did you getta thatta watch?” asks the man.

The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father blows his top.

“Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you? Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and ask, ‘How longa you gonna be?’”

Afraid of not getting what you ordered with online shopping?

Try online dating.

Anybody got some tea I can borrow? I’ve run ou

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity all the time, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one free of charge.

Are ants that help other ants called assist ants?

1st man: "I failed my Australian folk instrument exam". 

2nd man: "Did you redo it"?

A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there's a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. "Is there a mechanic in the area?" he asks the woman who answers. She thinks for a minute. "No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay."

Balloons are so weird.

"Happy Birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath".

Ate a salad for dinner!

Mostly croutons and tomatoes.

Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce... and cheese.

FINE! It was a pizza. I ate a pizza!

What do you get when you cross an epileptic with a head of lettuce?

Seizure salad.

Who is buried in Grants Tomb?

No one is buried in Grants Tomb. It's a tomb, not a grave.

If you don't know the difference between there, their, and they're, your an idiot.

I've found that if you tuck one part of your pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.

A whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.

Why do so many women prefer church marriages?

Because it goes; aisle, altar, hymn.