5373 - Saturday (Merry) Jokes (Christmas)

Eye doctor: Your results just came back.

Me: Can I see them?

Eye doctor: Probably not.

Every time I write Wednesday, there's a voice in my head that says, "Wed-Nes-Day." (It's true.)

Eyes in a glaze... That's the stupid moment when you have your pill bottle in front of you but you can't remember if you already took the pill or not.

I found a huge rubber sex toy, and my mom saw me find it. I was probably about 8 or 9. We were going through some old luggage and she probably forgot it was in there. I asked what it was and she just said it was dad's and took it. For some time after that, I thought my dad's penis was detachable.

I hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.

What’s so difficult about flying? All you have to do is run off the edge of a cliff, aim for the ground, and miss.

Pfft. The liquor store clerk just wished me a Merry Christmas. As if he wasn't going to see me every day until then.

Singing..."You better watch out, you better not cry..."

"Actually, if you cry it's OK. Santa will still bring you presents."

- anonymous, 4 year old

I really do love this time of year. The Christmas music, the twinkling lights, the woman in front of me at Costco who just told her husband, "We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care."

When I get bored, I call in sick to places I don't work.

Tomorrow I'm getting written up at Walmart.

- I’m making spaghetti and meatballs.

 - Great, but can you make the meatballs without egg or cheese?

- Sure, but why?

 - I’m experimenting with veganism.

Jolene Jackson said she likes shopping at the Dollar Palace because it's convenient and casual.

"I don't have to get all dressed up like I'm going to Walmart or something."

From a website that had a theme of...

"What’s the stupidest thing you've ever seen a religious person call “Satanic”?"

-“Washing machine." Apparently, if you watched the swirling motion for too long, you would get hypnotized and the devil could enter your head. So be warned.

-“Boys having long hair." The man’s hair barely reached his neck.

The funniest part is the fact that Christ himself is always portrayed as having hair that reaches a bit below his shoulders.

-“No, no, we don't care about your money and support it’s just… That other church is satanic! Yes! It’s satanic to go to that church!”

-“So my mom’s friend is a bit overweight and likes to go to church a lot. She enjoys wearing the color black because it’s slimming. Her pastor told her that wearing black all the time was of the devil.”

-“Had a Mormon tell me ‘god hates tattoos’ pointing at a small one on my wrist. Pulled my sleeve up to reveal a huge keloid scar and replied ‘god started it.'”

-“The Welsh flag.”                                                                      

  ( I'll salute this flag anytime.)

-“I do prion research. Apparently, this makes me in league with the devil. It’s funny until someone is threatening to shoot up your workplace because of it.”

-“Deviled eggs." I cringe every time a family calls them ‘Angel eggs'.

-“If I remember correctly, the leader of the Free Presbyterian church called line dancing satanic”

-“In a conversation with an evangelically-religious Christian, he said that my ability to quote the bible so well to ‘make false flaws appear’ was a satanic gift."

Not gonna lie. I was flattered a little.

-“Jazz.”

-“For those asking why, lest we forget that Jazz was invented by black people, and was therefore deemed immoral. They said the exact thing about Rock & Roll in the ’50s.”

-“Dude she’s a f–king mouthless talking cat in a dress who has remained the same age for over 40 years. Clearly possessed or demonic.”

-"Owls." My mom threw away a beautiful ceramic owl she made years before. I was lucky enough to be at her house and saw it in the garbage and grabbed it. Now it’s a decoration in my house. There’s countless other silly things she claims are satanic. Religion + weak minds = craziness.

-“This one loon I ran into while working as a tour guide in Athens." I’m trying to keep my group interested with stories between sites and this one tart starts moaning about the mythology as unchristian and I’m like, “ma'am, of course it is, it predates Christianity."

-"Women and girls wearing pants". This is how I was raised. My Mom would not let me wear pants. Dresses and skirts only. She caught me wearing pants one time and whooped my butt for it.

-“Seasonings. Like, salt and pepper." Yup. I suppose more specifically it would be using the seasonings to change the flavor of food more than the seasoning itself. Their logic was that ‘God made everything perfect and just as it should be’ so by seasoning meat to make it taste differently than ‘god intended’ it to taste was ‘rejecting gods gift’ and thus satanic.

My superpower is turning anything I don't understand into a conspiracy theory.

I love on Christmas Day when the label on a present says "from Mom and Dad" and you just know that dad has absolutely no idea what's inside.

Hello, poison control? I just drank sweet tea.

So I got really bored last night and started looking at members' profiles.

Two of them have the same girlfriend.

You know Christmas wreaths?

Well, I call them door donuts.

Before you marry someone, go sit in traffic with them for at least 2 hours.

Elena: The worst thing about depression is knowing that 150 years ago my treatment would have been vibrators and heroin.