Pre joke information about me...
Well, Friday the 13th is usually a lucky day for me. I picked up my daughter at the airport. She flew in from a week long work conference in Florida (the land of the covid assholes). She said she felt like she caught something recently so she left her mask on in the car ride to her house 30 minutes away. We didn't touch each other laughing about covid.
She decided to take one of the at home covid tests. Positive. She took another one. Positive. Well %#$*@&$^.
She found the CDC site that says what I'm supposed to do. Here's the test...
So, wear a mask around anyone else for 10 days. Take a test after 5 days. A question I have is if I take a test after 5 days and test negative, why would I have to keep wearing a mask at home? I still wear a mask when going out. I'm one of the few anymore.
Did I mention *&$^%@($&^?
On to the jokes!
I'm experimenting with how many apples I need to eat to keep EVERYONE away, no matter what their profession.
Walmart is opening dental offices in their Appalachian and Ozark area stores.
There will be an express lane for those with 12 teeth or less.
Owning a dog is perfect for people that never want to eat a whole sandwich by themselves again.
Student: Can I do something to raise my grade?
Teacher: Ummm... It's May.
Student: MAY I do something to raise my grade?
My wife apologized to me for the first time ever today.
She said she’s sorry she ever married me!
I can't sleep. I just know that at this very moment someone is misspelling something on the internet.
I keep trying to make protein shakes but they keep coming out as margaritas.
Crows will often examine the deaths of other crows.
So no matter what, they're always murder investigations involving fowl play.
A friend of mine died the other day.
Oh no, what happened?
Nobody knows. He just woke up dead.
Siri: What can I help you with?
Him: Hey Siri, my dad died.
Siri: I'm so sorry. Can I cheer you up?
Him: Sure tell me a joke.
Siri: Knock knock.
Him: Who's there?
Siri: Not your Dad. LMAO
If you steal a penny will you be sent to the pennytentiary.
We're all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings.
(For the pre-retired me.)
When I die I hope it's early in the morning so I don't have to go to work for no reason.
Co-worker: You look so unapproachable.
Me: Yet, here you are.
Hotel Customer: I need a room.
Clerk: Sorry. No rooms are available.
HC: My name is improvement.
Clerk: So?
HC: There's always room for improvement.
Kids...
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like, "You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin."
7yo told me today that my hair looks like I have "thousands of spiderwebs" coming out of my head, how's your day going?
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y...
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beatboxing.
Kids are experts at making insults sound like compliments.
3yo: Your stomach is squishy like Play-Doh, it's fun!
One of the kids I work with just said I look like a ‘budget Disney princess’ so I guess I’ve got that going for me.
I had my hair in a ponytail and my son walked in the room and said, “Ewww Mommy take your hair down, it makes your face look like the moon.”
One of my kids told me I look like ET when he’s sick....not just regular ET.
Our dishwasher broke and I told the kids we have to wash everything in the sink and 5yo said, “Like you did in the olden days when you lived in a cave?”
5yo: Mom, why does that lady have a big belly?
me: She’s having a baby.
5yo: Oh…is that what’s happening to you?
When coworkers say, "Just be yourself!"
Me: "Why? So I can get fired?"
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit so I announced that I had won the lottery and I quickly found out who my relatives were.
My wife asked for some peace and quiet while she cooked.
So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.
I found out my wife was cheating on me.
She said, "I'll be home in 10 to 15 minutes max."
My name is Logan.
Signs...
*A sign in a shoe repair store*: "We will heel you, We will save your sole,
We will even dye for you!"
*Gynaecologist’s Office*: Dr. George, at your cervix";
*Eye Clinic*: "If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.”;
*Plumber's truck*: "We repair what your husband fixed”;
*Electrician's truck*: "Let us remove your shorts”;
*Non-smoking Area*: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action”;
*Maternity Room door*: "Push. Push. Push.”;
*Car Dealership*: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”;
*Electric Company*: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”;
*Restaurant window*: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”;
*Funeral Home*: "Drive carefully. We'll wait.”;
*Septic Tank Truck*: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises."
I think they should make a law that all telemarketers must wear a shock collar that is activated by the * key.
Time Traveler’s Grandfather Paradox:
If I travel back in time and kill my grandfather before my father was born, will I cease to exist?
No. Grandma hasn’t been completely honest with you all this time.
Science question: Why do meteors always land in craters?
I felt sorry for the hypnotist last night.
He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled "FUCK ME!"
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.
It's like my mom always told me...
You might not be the dumbest guy in the world, but you better hope he doesn't die.
Posts
18 comments:
God, I'm sorry Mike. I hope your daughter has a quick recovery.And that you don't get this! I don't understand those who go for vacation, anywhere but covid Florida!
Peg - I'm trying to talk my daughter into getting a better test at a CVS.
Good luck on the covid front. I hope your daughter recovers quickly and that you escape.
Loved the advertising signs in particular today.
Though I also smiled at the hypnotist.
Sue - Me too.
Too bad all advertising isn't like that.
Video tomorrow.
Good luck with the Covid mess. I'm still one of the minority here in NoVa who keep masking up in public. Of course, the upside is that by masking, I only need to shave every three or four days. And that last joke was spot-on.
oh no! The poor hypnotist!
I hope your daughter recovers quickly with no lasting effects.
A fine collection.
Stay healthy.
Well %#$*@&$^ indeed! Take care of yourself.
That set of kid jokes was fun.
Bummer about the covid. I hope your daughter feels better soon. Have you tested positive yet?
Thanks Mike. Sorry to hear that your daughter had to go to a third world country. I sure hope more people in this country wise up. Now back to the jokes!
Maybe the CDC guidelines take the position of being safe rather than sorry, given that vaccinated people tend to get lighter or no symptoms while still being contagious, which could cause a false negative test when using the at-home kits. At least you don't have to quarantine. I think there's still so much the infectious diseases experts don't fully understand, and they're trying to keep people safe without being completely rigid. I dunno.
I love that last joke about being the dumbest, and also the one about meteors always landing in craters. I have a meme about the crater one, showing a visitor center right next to a crater, saying how close the meteor came to hitting it :)
P. S. I hope your daughter recovers without difficulty, and that you were able to avoid it by your wise mask-wearing.
Bill - I could have been smarter and wore a mask in the car when I had a person coming back from Florida next to me. THEY CAN"T MAKE ME WEAR A MASK! I showed them, didn't I?!
River - I hope so too.
John - For the next 10 days I get to tell Claudia "GET AWAY FROM ME"!
Kathy - My 7yo granddaughter has discovered a new game. Taking a running start at me and bouncing off my belly.
Deb - No, it's too early. Sunday night will be 48 hours. I'll do one test then and then wait until day 5 to do another one. I still have the 8 free tests from the government. But they expire in July so I might as well start using them.
Cloudia - I think we're at the end of wise people getting shots. Now only the dumbshits are left without them.
Jenny - I wasn't very smart at all picking up my daughter. She even said she felt a little sick so she was leaving her mask on. I should have put one on too. She is also immune compromised which doesn't help things.
I have that meme also. We should coordinate using it on the same day.
Dang it, I misread the part about who was masking. It probably would have helped if you had, but hindsight is easy. It's a worry about your daughter's compromised immunity. Fingers crossed that her system boots the virus out.
Some great ones! Especially like the first and last ones best.
Jenny - I don't know which is more frustrating, misreading or typos.
Allen - We need to start working on getting a new guy to replace the last guy.
Bummer about the covid. I hope your daughter is ok.
Lady - So far, so good.
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