6180 - Saturday jokes

A man on his deathbed talks to his wife...

He says: 'I have a nagging question I'd love to have an answer to before I go. Will you answer truthfully?'

She says: 'Anything you want, my love'

He asks: 'How many other men have you had in your life?'

She answers: 'I have only ever slept with a total of 8 men in my life'

He says: 'Is that including me? So it's 7 and I'm the 8th?'

She says: 'No, you're the 4th'

Man on deathbed: My dear, my time is short. Before I pass, please answer one question that has been bothering me for years.

Wife: Of course... Anything!

Man: Well, I've always noticed that our son William looks different from his six brothers. Did... did William have a different father?

Wife (breaking into tears): Yes dear... he does...

Man: I see... who is William's father?

Wife: You.

A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 & 6. I said, "Kindergarten".

People put names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Linda.

Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.

If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.

HA! I know what day it is! It's Saturday. And tomorrow is Saturday. So are all the other days.

I need help! 

I'm setting up a user named Patrick Enis and I'm having trouble creating his account.

The username format is first initial and last name.

FYI; "Analogy" is NOT the study of buttholes.

A guy was in an elevator one day and noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her, “What floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”.

“That’s a coincidence,” said the guy, "because I go to the 5th floor once a month myself, donate semen and they pay me $200”. Just then the elevator door opened & the woman stepped out.

The next month the guy was in the same elevator & noticed the same woman running to make it in. He held the door and as she stepped in he said “I remember you, 3rd floor right?” With her mouth completely full she looked at him & said “mph, mph, fif floor.”

I was heartbroken when my wife told me that my five-year-old was not our son. 

Then she told me to pay more attention at kindergarten pickup.

A nine-year-old girl has disappeared after using a moisturizer that makes you look ten years younger.

Pope to tRUMP: You need to see the Exorcist.

tRUMP: I don't have time for a movie.

Pope: Movie?

I think people who use the wrong word should have the humidity to admit it.

I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

We were shocked to learn that my granddad is heavily addicted to Viagra.

Nobody’s taking it harder than Grandma.

A pastor embezzles money from the church and uses it to buy a new car. Smitten with his purchase, he takes it to a custom paint shop.

"I want you to paint it a heavenly sky blue. Airbrush some white in there, so it looks like clouds." Hours later, he gets his car back, with an immaculate paint job.

“You want to know what would make this better? Add some pinstriping. Make it gold, like the Pearly Gates." Moments later, it comes back, but the coloring is all botched. There are black and red discolorations all along it.

Upon closer inspection, the pastor notices there are small horns in the black patches, small hooves in the red spots, and tiny tridents everywhere.

Rather upset, the pastor shouts, "Hey! What gives? I demand to talk to the owner!"

The shop owner comes by, takes a look, and notes, "Ahh. The devil is in the details.

An engineer comes to work one day with a new bike.

His friend says "Cool bike. Where did you get it?"

The first guy says "I was walking home through the park. A beautiful woman on a bike rode up, jumped off the bike, stripped naked, and told me to take whatever I wanted. I took the bike."

"Good call," says the friend. "The clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway."

Reminder for anyone who needs to put their laundry in the dryer.

What if Soy Milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?

Sign on Jehovah's Witnesses Hall... No Soliciting.

My dog is really a good boy.

His name is Hooza.

You need to stop filtering your pics on social media. 

If you go missing, everyone will be looking for Miss America instead of Sasquatch.

Police officer: Why have you been driving with an expired license for 6 months?

Her: I'm not ready for a new picture. I'm still growing out my bangs.

Sign: This work center has been accident free ... Since Joe left.

Lazy is a very strong word.

I like to call it selective participation.

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner.

A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said, 'Let's get off the corner.' No one moved, so he resorted to the loudspeaker. 'Let's get off the corner!' it boomed.

Still, no one seemed to take any notice. 'Alright folks, if you don't move after I count to three, I'm breaking out my baton!' the rookie cried.

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave in a hurry, casting puzzled glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, 'Well, how did I do?'

'Pretty good,' replied the veteran, 'especially since this is a bus stop.'

Every morning I take my cow on a long walk through the vinyard.

That's right, I heard it through the grapevine.

I just discovered I can stick the word "absolute" in front of almost any noun and make a top-notch insult.

You absolute potato!