6187 - Saturday jokes

(Continuing with yesterday's theme...)

A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie tells him he has two wishes.

The guy says "I always thought it was three wishes."

The genie says "Check your pants."

The guy looks down and goes, "Woah, it's huge!"

And the genie says, "I've been doing this a long time."

As a manager, I was thrown out of a baseball game.

The umpire told me to "go where he could not see me".

So naturally, I went and stood on home plate.

Neighbor 1 text: I just heard you fart through the wall!

Neighbor 2 text: But do you smell it? I like to know my range.

When Christians like Katie Britt lie to millions, does God consider the number of viewers she lied to as separate lies or does he give group discounts?

I'll take my elder statesman with a half-century of experience over your traitor.

Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, we are now playing bumper cars.

Sex got artificial when Viagra became a thing. AI is late to the ball. So to speak.

Sign...

R.S.Kimbrough Middle School Cougars

Congrats Mrs. Vaugh

Cougar of the month

Just Blocked someone for correcting my grammar and it feelded good.

Studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherf*ckers.

Alexa, where's my Dad?

Your Dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

HA, gotcha Alexa, My Dad is sitting right next to me.

Your Mom's husband is sitting next to you. Your Dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?

Damn! The hour we lost last weekend?!

It was the one hour I was planning to go to the gym.

That hour we lost was the one I was going to use to get my life together!

My boss ripped a fart in front of me.

I asked him, "Still trying to work that condom out?"

Now he's all mad...

Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? 

Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?

A dog and cat are having an argument about who is the favorite of humans.

The dog says, "Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us".

The cat smiles and says, "You are NOT going to win this one."

Don't like abortions?

Ignore them like you ignore school shootings.

Considering I`m broke, I wonder if she`ll let me be her sugar-free daddy.

Doctor: Relax David, it's just a small surgery, don't panic.

Patient: My name is not David!

Doctor: I know. I'm David.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

“Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

“Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

“I can understand that" replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

“Ours is prettier!"

I launched a series of books aimed at teenagers last week.

Managed to hit three of the little shits.

I released my own fragrance today.

The rest of the people in the elevator didn’t like it.

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.

A student puts up his hand and says 'G.'

The teacher asks him, "Why is that, Angus?"

(I had to think about this one.)

A boy meets a girl for a date and says, "I wanted to get you flowers, but when I got to the flower shop, a girl was blocking the door! She was dressed like a prostitute, and was murmuring something, I think it was numbers! I didn't want to deal with her, so I came straight here.

The girl said, "Oh, don't worry, it's the thot that counts."

When one door opens, another closes.

I never was a very good carpenter.

My parents often struggled to put food on the table. 

One of the legs was missing.

My glasses broke when I was vacationing in a remote part of Alaska.

There were no Optometrists, so I had to settle for an Optical Aleutian.

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.

They sit down and engage in a conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is caught when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

“You foul-mouthed idiot. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" yelled the shocked lady.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

A co-worker died after eating a giant bacon cheeseburger.

It was mine.

I told my wife, “I think Worcestershire Sauce is my favorite condiment.”

Her: Why?

Me: It’s..hard to say.

What is the difference between a casual dress party and a pirate sex orgy?

The first one you come as you are, the second you Rrrrrr as you cum.

And the lesbian pirate with 2 wooden peg legs said to her girlfriend, "Scissor me timbers".

What do you call a grammar Nazi who doesn't like to correct people's grammar?

Anti semantic.

The sex lasted for 61 minutes! My best time ever!

Thanks DST.

If I were to ever post any revenge porn...

I'd just post naked pictures of myself so everyone would know just how low my ex's standards were.

What do you call a 3.14 meter snake?

A pi-thon.

I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.