6700 - Saturday jokes

I am quite chubby.

But I identify as skinny.

I'm trans slender.

Being a dad is like being a backup quarterback.

You're on the team, but you're not the star.

And on those rare occasions you're brought into the game,

people are nervous.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY YOU CAN SIMPLY POST

"HE'S AN IDIOT"

AND 90% OF THE WORLD WILL KNOW WHOM YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

When women get to a certain age they start collecting dogs and cats.

It's called many paws.

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is

BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level

employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is

FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is

BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle

management is TENNIS. 

6. The sport of choice for corporate

executives and officers is GOLF.

The amazing facts are.

The higher you go in the corporate structure,

the smaller your balls become.

There must be a boat load of people in

Washington playing marbles.

My wife said to me today, "I heard that a man goes deaf if he takes too much Viagra."

I said, "Who the Hell is Jeff and what is he doing in Niagara?"

A collection of some favorite sarcastic quotes...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,

for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your

neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable, If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.

That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug: some days you're the windshield.

Being an adult just means you don't get rewarded for finishing all your food. My niece ate 2 chicken nuggets and got ice-cream. I ate 10 and my mom said "I thought you were on a diet".

When I die , I want a crank on the side of my casket that plays the jack in the box song ... just to see who has the guts to turn it!

Old age is just walking around all day muttering things like ...

"What was I going to say?"

"What did I come in here for?"

"Did I already take my pill?"

"How did I get this bruise?"

"Why am I sore?"

"Where did I leave my phone?"

"Who moved my water glass?"

"Did the dryer shrink these pants?"

"That's it. Diet starts tomorrow."

"$2.99 a pound for apples? The nerve."

"I could've sworn that was my password."

Man and Cockroach talking ...

Man: 'My penis is ten times longer than your whole body.'

Cockroach. 'Yet I make your wife scream louder than you do!'

Aging is a funny little scam. In my head I'm still young, fabulous and ready to cause trouble. Then I catch myself in the mirror, and think...

WELL WHO INVITED GRANDPA!

If you're looking for a joke about crooked teeth...

Brace yourself.

UNTIL A DRAG QUEEN WALKS INTO A SCHOOL AND BEATS EIGHT KIDS TO DEATH WITH A COPY OF 'TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD, I THINK YOU'RE FOCUSING ON THE WRONG SHIT.

WANDA SYKES

10 things that are absolutely

NOT worth the money anymore.

10. Restaurants

$34 entrée. $16 cocktail. 20% tip. I could've

stayed home and disappointed myself for

free.

9. Gambling

The fuck is a parlay? I'll keep my $100,

thank you.

8. Airbnb

Nothing says vacation like paying a $150

cleaning fee and waking up to a chore list.

7. Streaming

We killed cable, chopped it into 11 apps,

added commercials and called it progress.

6. Fast food

If I need to check my bank account before

ordering a combo, we've lost the plot.

5. DoorDash

A $16 meal becomes $31 and suddenly I'm

not that hungry anymore.

4. New cars

Seven year loan. $800

payment. And somehow heated seats are a

subscription.

3. Expensive universities

$200,000 to spend four years hoping

Linkedin has good news for you.

2. Concert tickets

$90 ticket. $147 total.

Apparently Ticketmaster also attended

the concert.

1. Gas

$70 just to get to work so I can make money

to buy more gas to get to work.

I KNOW this list can get worse.

Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap. (Bilbo)

6699 - Saturday jokes

THERE WAS A TIME WHEN SEEING SOMEONE OUTSIDE IN THEIR PAJAMAS MEANT THEIR HOUSE WAS ON FIRE.

NOW IT JUST MEANS YOU'RE AT WALMART.

My wife told me the other day I'm going to be a father for the first time.

The problem is we already have two kids.

A tourist who went rope jumping in San Paulo Brazil fell to her death when the instructors forgot to attach the rope to her harness.

When the owner of the rope jumping company was asked for comment, he said, "MEEP! MEEP!".

(If your still thinking about this, picture the coyote and roadrunner.)

People used to laugh at me when I would say "l want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking for directions.

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

There is a new trend in our office, everyone is naming their food. Today I ate a sandwich named Kevin.

REARRANGE THESE LETTERS TO FORM WORDS.

1. PNEIS

2. BUTTSXE

DID YOU GET "SPINE" AND "SUBTEXT"?

YEAH ... NEITHER DID I.

Next time you're feeling down, remember, life is all about perspective.

I have a friend who has sex 2 to 3 times a week.

He exercises twice a day.

He reads two books a week.

Yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison.

Trump died and got buried at Mar-a-lago. 

A man in New York went to LaGuardia airport and told the agent "I want to piss on Donald Trump's grave." 

The agent said "Yes sir, here's a ticket to Los Angeles." 

The man said "Los Angeles? He's buried in Florida." 

The agent said, "Correct. Los Angeles is the back of the line."

I've been flying commercially for more than half a century. Today was my first flight on what the pilot referred to as an unmanned aircraft.

The entire flight crew - pilots and flight attendants - were all female.

Pretty damn cool.

Here is why English is so much fun:

"The faith he had had had had no effect on the outcome of his life."

If drugs aren't allowed in sports, why isn't makeup banned in beauty contests?

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his

father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my

wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off

my pants, handed them to your mother, and

said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said,

'These are too big, I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this

family and I always will.'

'Ever since that night we never had any

problems.' 'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that

might be a good thing to try. On his

honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to

Karen, 'Here - try these on.' She tried them on

and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit

me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this

family and I always will. I don't want you to ever

forget that.' Then Karen took off her pants and

handed them to Mike.

She said, 'Here-you try on mine.' He tried and

said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Karen said,

'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass

attitude, you never will.'

If you're more outraged by a woman ending a pregnancy than by a man creating one and disappearing, your problem isn't morality, it's misogyny.

Maine license plate...

PHQTRMP

Fox Relieved to Learn That Trump is Only Banning News Networks from White House.

At the bank...

I'D LIKE TO GET ME SOME OF THEM TRUMP DOLLAR COINS PLEASE.

  I'M SORRY, BUT BANKS CAN'T GET THEM.

THEY'RE LEGAL CURRENCY, RIGHT?

  YES, BUT ONLY THE U.S. MINT HAS THEM, AND THEY'LL COST YOU ABOUT $2.40 EACH.

THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE GOLD-PLATED, RIGHT?

  NOPE, ZINC, MAGNESIUM, NICKEL, COPPER. NO GOLD.

WHAT ARE THEY FOR, THEN?

  I DUNNO. PEOPLE WHO COLLECT NAZI MEMORABILIA?

After landing my new job as a Walmart

greeter - a great gig for many retirees - I

lasted less than a day.

About two hours into my first shift, a loud,

mean-looking woman stormed in with two

kids, yelling obscenities at them the whole

way.

As I'd been trained, I smiled and said

cheerfully,

"Good morning and welcome to Walmart!

Nice children you have there. Are they

twins?"

She snarled,

"Hell no, they ain't twins! One's 9, the other

is 7. Are you blind or just stupid ?! "

So I smiled and replied,

"Neither, ma'am. I just couldn't believe

someone slept with you twice."

And that's how I became formerly employed

by Walmart.

Currently updating my résumé ... anyone

hiring greeters with sarcasm skills?

WHAT DO TOY TRAINS AND BOOBS HAVE IN COMMON?

THEY'RE BOTH INTENDED FOR CHILDREN, BUT IT'S THE FATHERS THAT END UP PLAYING WITH THEM!

If you don't know the difference between "there," "their" and "they're" your a idiot.

... Well this is awkward.

6698 - Saturday jokes

OBAMA 2028!

Since rules don't exist anymore.

“GOP leaders are now divided between the fearful and the deluded - between those who have lost their nerve and those who have lost their minds.” (Michael Gerson) (Bilbo)

THE DAY AFTER A HOLIDAY IS DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE RETIRED. EVERYBODY ELSE IS COMPLAINING ABOUT GOING BACK TO WORK. I'M JUST TRYING TO REMEMBER WHAT DAY IT IS. (John)

To every woman who wants to repeal the 19th Amendment:

Quit your job, close your bank account, cut up your credit cards, surrender your property, and ask your husband for permission to speak. Live the miserable little fantasy you're trying to force on everyone else.

OUR BEST HOPE IS THAT TRUMP IS TAKING MEDICAL ADVICE FROM ROBERT KENNEDY, JR.

Why are there poptarts,

but no momtarts?

Because of the pastryarchy.

Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth.

Women seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do.

Why is this?

In the early 80's researchers discovered that women have more

connections between the brain's two hemispheres than men do. It's these

connections that allow them to put together a puzzle from seemingly

unconnectable pieces...

That, and they go through your stuff while you're in the shower. (Kathy)

If the phrase: "GET OFF THE COMPUTER, I NEED THE PHONE",

makes perfect sense to you, you're officially old.

What do you see when aliens get diarrhea?

Mysterious crap circles.

Did you guys know that the first drag queens in recorded American history all got together and wrote the Declaration of Independence?

Him: Your mom is as healthy as a horse. She'll be out of the hospital soon and moving in with us.

Her: I don't understand. The doctor told me yesterday that Mom was dying.

Him: I don't know what he told you, but he told me to prepare for the worst.

How do you get everyone excited about a family reunion?

By telling them it's been cancelled. (Kathy)

What do you call a dog that herds watermelons? 

A melon collie.

How does a burger introduce his wife? 

Meet Patty.

McDonalds called out order 867 and I yelled 5309 and nobody laughed.

Then I felt old and ate my burger in the playground area.

A teacher asked the children in her Sunday

School class, "If I sold my house and my car,

had a big garage sale and gave all my money to

the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"NO!", the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the

yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would

I get into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was "NO!"

"Well," she continued, "then how can I get to

Heaven?"

In the back of the room, a five-year-old boy

shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

6697 - Saturday jokes

Hell hath no fury like an Internet commenter who hasn't read the article but wants to disagree anyway.

A man just called me evil, I needed that.

Thought I was losing my spark for a minute.

WHEN YOU'RE DEAD, YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE DEAD.

THE PAIN IS FELT BY OTHERS. 

THE SAME THING HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE STUPID.

It's "Lake Ontario" not Lake America.

It's "Gulf of Mexico" not Gulf of America.

It's "convicted felon" not president.

Them: "You're so quiet!"

Autistic person: "Correct. I've analyzed your patterns and decided you're not safe."

Never before in U.S. history has a man been so completely sold on his own manufactured greatness. 

A fantasy constructed and maintained solely within the cramped theater of his own skull.

If you could just snap your fingers and make five people disappear for good with absolutely no consequences to you, who would be the other four?

“I talk to an invisible man who controls the universe.”  

If uttered in a psychiatric ward, it’s a symptom.  

If proclaimed in a church, it’s a sermon.  

Any stairway can be a stairway to heaven if you’re clumsy enough. (Bilbo)

St. Upid

Patron saint of economic collapse.

Science is hard. You gotta prove it, test it, and reproduce the results.

Pseudoscience is easy. You make it up, add some fear, and watch ignorant people spread it.

Yes I've had a colonoscopy.

I guess you could say I've had a Cameron Diaz. 

Which super hero is best at baseball?

Batman. (Kathy)

Whenever someone asks what I’m doing later and my answer is “nothing,” please understand “nothing” is not an opening in my schedule. “Nothing” is the event. It’s the plan. (Bilbo)

My emotional support animal is a chicken. Four piece. With a biscuit and fries. (Bilbo)

I'm really glad President Obama rid the world of Osama Bin Laden before Donald Trump had the chance to fall in love with him.

Am I Fat?

Boomers: You Could Lose A few Pounds

Millennials: "No You're Beautiful"

Gen Z :" We Don't Body Shame Of Course You're Not"

Gen X: " I Know 5 Fat People and You're 4 of them'

Why did a woman stop dating Spiderman?

He got too clingy. (Kathy)

There's a new Fleetwood Mac GPS out, but it's absolutely useless.  

Every time I try to get directions, it just says, "You can go your own way." (Kathy)

“If stupidity got us into this mess, why can’t it get us out?” (Will Rogers) (Bilbo)

I saw a video of a guy berating a woman for the red cap she was wearing.

The cap said, "Made you look... Fuck Trump".

Trump on Iran: "They can't go to the bathroom without us seeing it".

Comment: Just like the Miss Teen USA contestants.

6696 - For the readers out there.

Project your books on the wall. I assume it gets the books from the internet.

https://calurios.com/products/nooklight%E2%84%A2

6695 - Saturday ...end of August... jokes

Headline...

Numerous Casualties At Park In Bloody Turf War Between Tennis Players And Pickleballers.

NAOMI: Did you know that my name spelled backwards is 'I MOAN'? 

That's just so funny because I love moaning.

LANA: Yeah? Well surprisingly, I love ...... nevermind.

Store clerk: That'll be $125.50. 

Would you like to return everything now, 

or just wait for the recalls?

"My shrink asked me if I ever hear voices.

I told her absolutely not. 

Then I remembered I don't have a shrink."

Some men think we dress for them.

But if men didn't exist, I would dress sluttier.

When I was a teenager; 

I could make tie-dye shirts, 

develop film in a darkroom, 

take photos with a pinhole camera, 

program a VCR,

repair cassette tapes with a pencil,

and get records to stop skipping with a penny. 

Now I'm like, I don't get how to use this credit card tap thing.

When I was in school I was told:

PUSSY was a CAT

SEX meant GENDER

BITCH was a FEMALE DOG

DICK was a NAME

BANG was a SOUND

RUBBER was an ERASER

ASS was an ANIMAL

SCREW was Just a TOOL

HEAD meant a PART OF BODY

BALLS meant ROUND TOYS

NUTS meant DRY FRUIT

69 was just a NUMBER

Now my education is meaningless. 

The most expensive vehicle to operate these days is a shopping cart.

We were gifted a set of plates that are all the planets. 

They are all round except the Earth plate.

And things keep falling off the edge of the Earth plate.

Lady: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How many per day?

Man: 3.

Lady: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5 each including tip.

Lady: How long have you been drinking.

Man: About 20 years.

Lady: 3 beers a day equates to $450 per

month or $5,400 per year. In 20 years,

that's $108,000.

Man: Sounds correct.

Lady: Did you know that if you put that

money in a savings account, that after

interest, you would have had enough

money to buy a plane?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Lady: No.

Man: Where's your plane?

I’m going insane … anybody want anything? (Bilbo)

Nowadays, you have to look for the positives ... the bad news is that groceries are very expensive; the good news is that many of them aren’t safe to eat. (Bilbo)

Them: Will any Democrat urge people not to vandalize the Reflecting Pool?

Me: I will talk to my friends in the AlgaeBTQ+ community about these outside algaetators.

Does anyone know of any office jobs that will hire with no experience?

The White House.

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a second and then asked, "Is the vacuum on or off?" (Kathy)

"I was the first woman to burn my bra; 

it took the fire department four days to put it out." 

- Dolly Parton

America should be placed under Canada's legal guardianship until a competent adult can be found to take it over.

Imagine being such a horrible, horrible person, that every time someone dies, people are collectively disappointed it wasn't you.

Hiking in your 70s is a great way to meet people. 

Today I met 2 paramedics, 3 nurses, a cardiologist ... and nearly met Jesus.

TODAY IS A GREAT DAY TO MAKE A BIGOT UNCOMFORTABLE.

AND SO IS TOMORROW. - Steve Hofstetter

I POSTED "TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO MAKE BIGOTS UNCOMFORTABLE" AND A

BUNCH OF MAGA FOLKS GOT DEFENSIVE IN MY COMMENTS.

THEY CAN'T HELP TELLING ON THEMSELVES. - Steve Hofstetter

I've reached the age where it's rude to pull out a bottle of ibuprofen if you don’t have enough for everyone. (Bilbo)

Trump reposted a furious rant from a right-wing commentator blasting Republicans for failing to deliver on the promises that helped put them in power.

The post didn't exactly pull its punches.

“I don’t think the GOP fully grasp how badly they are fucking up right now,” he wrote.

And then Trump, the president, the leader of the Republican Party and the person ultimately sitting at the top of the Republican agenda, shared it.

Husband to his wife: "Today is a fine day."

The next day, he said the same thing: "Today is a fine day."

Day after day, same words, same cheerful tone.

Finally, after a week, the wife snapped.

"Enough! Every single day you say the same thing!

"Today is a fine day. What is wrong with you?!"

The husband smiled calmly and replied: 

"Last week, during our argument, you said,

"I will leave you one fine day.

I'm just trying to remind you ...

in case today is the day."

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed a harassed and tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
The produce guy looked at me and said, "No, sir, you'll have to do that yourself." (Kathy)

Somebody said America is becoming a torture chamber for smart people, 

and I've never felt anything more real in my life. 

I was born to be wild, but only until around 8:00 PM or so. (Bilbo) I'm just getting going at 8:00 PM. (Mike)

What a time to be alive! It’s like the fall of Rome, but with memes. (Bilbo)

My dad was a public school teacher; and he always said the toughest parts of the job were:

1. Having to pay for your own classroom chalk, and

2. Performing gender-reassignment surgeries during class hours w/out parents finding out.

The same idiots who think Trump, 

who dodged the draft five times,

knows how to win a war,

also think Trump, 

who declared bankruptcy six times,

knows how to run the economy.

That's what Trump Derangement Syndrome actually looks like.

6694 - Saturday... August jokes

*** No, I'm not back. These jokes took almost two months to collect. I finally got enough to post them. ***

If you feel depressed, go for a run. 

You'll find out that your physical health is far worse than your mental health.

After researchers found that women who jog without a bra get longer breasts,

some men have started running without underwear.

Medicare will pay for your heart surgery. It will not pay for the glasses you need to read the bill afterward.

Medicare doesn't cover your teeth, eyes, or your ears. 3 things retirees actually need.

I saw an overweight woman at the bus stop today. I asked her, "When is it due?" 

She said, "I'm not pregnant, you rude prick!" 

I said, "I meant the bus, you fat bitch!"

Just be thankful that Covid hit us when Dr. Fauci was the Chief Medical Advisor. 

Can you imagine if Kennedy was in office, we'd all be dead.

Conservative *logic*.

Who hoards all the wealth while wages stagnate? Billionaires!

Who owns all the housing, utilities, and media? Billionaires!

Who lobbies politicians to rig the system? Billionaires!

So why is everything so bad right now? Socialism & Immigrants!

Stop leaving your kids with the grandparents.

I recently asked my nephew how old he was. 

He said, "God willing I'll be 7 in June."

"I CAN'T BELIEVE PEOPLE ARE COMPARING TRUMP TO SATAN. 

YES, HE'S EVIL, BUT HE'S CERTAINLY NOT AS EVIL AS TRUMP".

Some are upset that tRUMP keeps falling asleep. 

I'm pissed off that he keeps waking up.

Can't stop thinking about people who first ate mushrooms through trial and error. 

You know like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Kevin instantly, 

and this one made me see God for 2 weeks.

Doc: I'm just waiting for your X-Ray.

Female patient: But I've never dated anyone named Ray.

Doc: And we might do a brain scan.

Employee: Sir, could I have a day off to help my mother-in-law move?

Boss: Absolutely not!

Employee: Thank you so much, I knew I could count on you!

There's something deeply bizarre about the possibility that

humanity's first truly simultaneous global celebration, 

across every time zone, might be triggered by the death of 

a single human being.

I was on holiday in Turkey and came across one of those Turkish Bath Houses.

They shave with a solid steel stoneground razor, snip out nose and ear hairs, 

wax off chest and back hair, pluck all the hairs out of the crack of your ass, 

all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub.

Honestly, the wife's never looked so good.

Someone should form an organization of missionaries to go into American evangelical churches and convert them to Christianity.

*Trump drowns a puppy, pulls it out of

the water at the last moment*

Trump: "Not even Lincoln saved a puppy."

Liberals/Media: "You tried to drown it."

Hannity: "The fake news media won't

even let Trump save a puppy without

attacking him."

MAGA: "Why do liberals hate

puppies?"

Just to be clear .... WE PAID

THE FUCKING TARIFFS AND

THE CORPORATIONS GOT

THE REFUNDS.

If you vote Republican ever

again you're as dumb as that

red hat makes you look !!!

White House evacuated after trans alarm goes off.

Autism:

1 in 10,000 (1990)

1 in 30 (2026)

Vaccines cause autism.

Near Earth Asteroids:

20 (1960)

40,000+ (2026)

Telescopes cause asteroids

Conservatives don't know what democratic socialism is, 

so they call it communism because they don't know what that is either.

I was surprised when a couple of vegetarians demanded to know why I still eat meat. Nobody expects the spinach inquisition. (Bilbo)

6693 - Boomers are the problem

https://robertreich.substack.com/p/what-to-do-with-us-old-boomers

Maybe it's time to move into a retirement home. Seems like sex, drugs, and rock and roll are back!

6692 - Halloween is coming

Post 6691 is still in effect.

6691 - Thursday trees

 Bilbo has picked up Thursday trees while I'm playing unenthusiastic computer repairman.

https://bilbosrandomthoughts.blogspot.com

And you know what's weird. When I get irritated enough at the computer and stop for awhile, I'm getting other things done around the house I've been putting off for a long time. Go figure...

6690 - Could be a long pause coming

 Well I may be gone for a little bit. Right now I'm on Claudia's computer because mine is fighting me to the Nth degree. I power down, power up, logon, and 60 to 90 seconds later it freezes and nothing gets it out of the freeze except a power down. 60 to 90 seconds isn't very long to analyze something. 

So it may be time to get another computer. Mine is 10 years old with a forced Windows 11 on it. I hesitate to reload windows from scratch because I have so much stuff I don't want to lose. Backup? It wouldn't load it. It froze. Anything I'm trying just freezes after 90 seconds. 

Some of the things I try that should work come back as failed. I don't know how long this will take. One day I'll be back.

I'll try and check in on people from Claudia's computer but it's a floor away and on the other side of the house. If you don't hear from me again, send someone to check in my basement.

6689 - Long joke Sunday

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads

for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a

loud, blood-curdling scream is heard

from the bathroom. A few minutes

after that, another loud scream

reverberates through the bar. The

bartender goes into the bathroom to

investigate why the drunk is

screaming. "What's all the screaming

about in there? You're scaring the

customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the

toilet, and every time I try to flush,

something comes up and squeezes the

hell out of my testicles." With that, the

bartender opens the door, looks in, and

says ... "You idiot! You're sitting on the

mop bucket!"

6688 - Saturday jokes

Kash Patel is reportedly furious and

threatening to sue anyone who calls

him "J. Edgar Boozer."

So calling him Rumdog Millionaire is still on the table.

If America had a better educational system, Donald Trump would have never been elected.

Just found out that smh

stands for shaking my

head and not sex might

help, and I feel like I need

to revisit some of the

comments I've made.

Feeling relief when you

realize the weird house noises

are ghosts and not something expensive

you can't afford to fix is a

different level of adulthood.

God promised men that good obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

Then he made the world round.

My coworker carries a taser that she says

she doesn't let men hold anymore

because they immediately attempt to

shock themselves to see if they can take

it. 

I found this out when I asked her to see

it, fully intending to shock myself.

By middle age the hair on a

woman's legs grows

slower, conveniently freeing

up time to manage the

beard she didn't ask for.

A couple went to the psychiatrist.

"What seems to be the problem?"

asked the shrink.

"It's my wife," the man explained.

"For six months, she's thought she

was a lawn mower."

"Why didn't you bring her in sooner?"

"I was waiting for the neighbor who

borrowed her to bring her back."

A Murder of Crows descended on an Embarrassment of Pandas. The pandas were mortified. The zoologists who observed this were a Prank of Taxonomists.

Hey, think about it this way, you're not as dumb as you look.

Cottage Cheese is not really a cheese at all.

It's just a curd to me.

When I was a kid, I went to a Christian

school and they were absolutely

convinced Harry Potter was a ploy

from the devil to get kids into

witchcraft. It was actually a ploy to get

kids reading which is far more

dangerous to Christianity.

My wife went with her friends to see "Fifty Shades Darker" last night, I went to bed at 11pm.

When she got home she walked into the bedroom with a leather strap in one hand and a chain in the other. 

I thought "Oh Boy, this gonna be great".

She said, "Here you forgot to walk the dog!"

Shouldn't hemorrhoids be called assteroids?

My favorite song about allergies is "Blowin' in the Wind" by Peter Pollen Mary.

A 3-LEGGED DOG LIMPED INTO THE SHERIFF'S OFFICE.

HE SAID, "I'M LOOKING FOR THE MAN WHO SHOT MY PAW."

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU PICK A PIGS NOSE?

HAM BOOGERS... I KNOW, I KNOW .. SNOT FUNNY.

If really good looking people are called, "Eye Candy",

I guess I'm somewhere in the "Eye Broccoli" category.

Her: I think we should stop seeing each other for a while.

Him, covering his eyes: Ok, tell me when I can look again.

Retirement - The pay sucks but the hours are really good.

I don't have time to Google lyrics.

I sing what I hear.

"Dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth".

Her: It seems to me I might have to do some of that shady Klondike bar stuff for a tank of gas soon.

Parrot in a cage: Alexa, play Free Bird.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man." I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

How many of you hate drama, but if you see it on your timeline, you read all 368 comments.

WHAT ARE YOUR DOGS' NAMES?

  CALVIN & KLEIN.

ISN'T THAT A BRAND OF UNDERWEAR?

  YES, THEY'RE BOXERS.

It's just a matter of time before they add the word 'Syndrome' after my last name.

Are you sweating while putting gas in your car?

Feeling sick when paying for it?

You've got the Carowner virus.

Sarah left a Dr Pepper on a gas pump 61 miles south of Tampa Florida.

That's where Sarasota is.

It is only when mosquito lands on your balls that you realize there is a way to solve problems without using violence.

Ayo Im in the gas station you want sth?

  get some cookies

  gluten free

How long he been out

  Bro what

6687 - Thursday trees

1-4 are mine, 5-20 are Bilbo's

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6686 - Long joke Sunday

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying

with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids

for a while when he came into the house and

asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when

two people sleep in the same room and one is

on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided

to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual

intercourse, darling.

Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back

outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said

angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual

intercourse . It's called Bunk Beds.

And Jimmy 's mom wants to talk to you.'

6685 - Saturday jokes

PROBLEMS THAT WERE OVERBLOWN:

· quicksand

· people offering me drugs

· getting lost in the Bermuda Triangle

PROBLEMS I WAS NOT SUFFICIENTLY WARNED ABOUT:

· arguing with robots about unexpected items in bagging areas

· remembering all my passwords

· existential dread

IF YOU'RE STILL BACKING HIM NOW, 

IT'S FOR 1 OF 2 REASONS:

1. YOU'RE TOO WEAK TO ADMIT

YOU WERE WRONG;

2. YOU'RE A GARBAGE HUMAN BEING 

AND A POS.

... THERE IS NO MIDDLE GROUND.

I met a girl in a bar who said, "Come outside and I'll show you a good time.” So I went outside with her and she ran 100 meters in 9.98 seconds. (Bilbo)

Was she a racist? (Bilbos friend Bob)

Matt Walsh @MattWalshBlog

Every voter should be a taxpayer who

can pass an 8th grade civics exam.

John Fugelsang @JohnFugelsang

I'd settle for every president being a

taxpayer who can pass an 8th grade

civics exam.

The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.

The second-best time is now.

Swearing to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ON A BIBLE is one of life's great ironies.

I MAY BE OLD ... BUT AT LEAST I GOT TO SEE THE WORLD BEFORE IT WENT TO CRAP.

I’m confused - is it "Artificial Intelligence (AI)," "Plagiarized Information Synthesis System (PISS)," or "Computer-Rendered Artificial Pictures (CRAP)?" (Bilbo)

This, too, shall pass. It'll pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass. (Bilbo)

I used to have this mental illness where I thought logical arguments would change someone's mind. (Bilbo)

Grandma and Grandpa were having a conversation one day. Grandpa told her, "I am an old man now. If anything ever happens to me I do not want to live in a vegetative state! I do not want to be dependent on a machine and be pumped with fluids from a bottle everyday! If that ever happens just pull the plug! Grandma got up out of her chair and poured out all of his Beer and unplugged the TV!

Antivaxers really be like, "You're just gonna listen to doctors who studied medicine for 10 years? Wow enjoy being sheep, I'm gonna listen to a stay at home moms Facebook page cause I'm an independent thinker".

I think billionaires should pay throttlingly burdensome taxes, not to improve society, but because it makes them sad.

Get up.

Dust off.

Yell Fuck.

Start again.

It turns out a ceiling fan will not cut a bagel in half even on high speed.

I also need a new window.

THAT'S A HORRIBLE IDEA.

WHAT TIME?

I LOVE BEING TOLD THAT I HAVE AN "IRRATIONAL FEAR" OF A DEADLY VIRUS BY PEOPLE WHO SHIT BRICKS OVER IMMIGRANTS, LGBTQ PEOPLE, BROWN PEOPLE, BLACK PEOPLE, WORKING WOMEN, WIND MILLS, CELLPHONE ANTENAS, VACCINES, ELECTRIC CARS, VOTING BY MAIL, UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE, ENVIRONMENTAL PROTECTIONS, PLANT-BASED FOOD, HIGHER WAGES, AND FACE MASKS.

Old age is when your body gives your brain a list of the things it’s not going to do any more. (Bilbo)

I have been lying to my cat for years. 

Anytime he meows at me, I say, "I know, I know!"

But I don't.

I don't know.

If Lady Gaga toured with the Goo Goo Dolls,

It would be called The Goo Goo Gaga Tour.

Sign on restaurant door...

Sorry, closed.

Jack punched Alex

because he found out

Alex was messing

around with Janice,

even though Jack and

Janice are broke up.

Anyway, Alex tooth

went into the chili, so

we can't open till we

find it, cause we can't

throw away all that chili.

Sorry again.

Bumper sticker...

PIRATE of the CAR-I-BE-IN.

An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. 

I asked if she was OK and she smiled and said that its really no big deal because she carries her old purse to put her dog's poop in.

I was born male, identify as male, but according to Stouffer's Lasagna, I'm a family of four.

If you use the metric system measuring liquids,

You should be held in contempt of quart.

In heaven...

Person: Angel tell me, did I waste my life by posting memes?

Angel: Thousands of people read your memes. 

You wasted the lives of thousands of people.

6684 - Thursday trees

Me and Bilbo

Mine

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6683 - Long joke Sunday

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR

CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE

YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE

BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.

"THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A

MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE

SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER

EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT

WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY

HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO

BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO

SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED

OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE

BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF

TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND

STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID "WELL, WILL

YOU LOOK AT THAT ...... I'M GETTING A FAX !! "

6682 - Saturday jokes

An 11-year-old came up with a TV pitch that is stone cold genius:

A reality show, in the vein of The Amazing Race, that follows a group of Flat Earthers trying to travel to the edge of the world.

Me: Do you shower after sex?

Coworker: Yeah, of course I do.

Me: Well, how about getting laid a little more often.

I just learned there's a little island near Italy with 5 million Sicillion people.

That's the largest number I've ever heard in my life.

Is it true that Charles III runs a dating app? 

Ask King for a Friend.

It makes sense if you don’t think about it.

Did you eat a bowl of stupid this morning?

If I wanted lip from you, I’d unzip my pants.

You're as useful as wet toilet paper.

If I wanted to hear from an asshole I would have farted.

I'm not saying you are the dumbest person in the world, just hope that other guy doesn't die.

My aunt interrupted me to ask why I "talk like that" if I'm "so" educated. 

I said, "Like what?" and she said, "Ignorant".

So I told her, "I prioritize intelligibility over ostentation. 

My intelligence requires no external validation."

She said, "What?" 

I said, "That's why."

Brad Voted For Trump 3 Times. 

Now the Bank Is Taking His 140-Year-Old Family Farm.

Brad had all the information.

Brad played stupid games, and now he's winning the ultimate stupid prize.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going. (Bilbo)

I wrote a book about the history of the Black Death, but I was accused of plaguerism. (Bilbo)

Bilbo at the wine store...

What wine goes well with watching too much TV and worrying about the end of democracy? (Bilbo)

Dyslexics are teople poo.

Karen...

I'M SORRY BUT I'M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT GAS PRICES ALREADY!!! LIFE GOES ON AND IT WILL. CARRY ON!!!!

Goodgodabove...

You're right, we should be focusing on how the president is a pedophile in the Epstein files.

Reporter: Do you agree with the statement, "The military won't follow unlawful orders"?

Hegseth: What you're insinuating is a partisan point.

Reporter: I'm actually quoting *you* directly, Mr. Hegseth, from April 2016.

Thanks Donald J. Trump. Under Joe Biden my truck could only hold around $75 in diesel. 

Now my truck holds $130 in fuel. 

Hurts my wallet a bit more but makes me feel better knowing my truck can take more fuel under your presidency.

From the internet: Good morning to everyone except Josh Hawley. He can fuck off.

Today, Saturday, May 2nd, is World Naked Gardening Day. (Bilbo)

Wow this is exciting. Wait. What day is this?! DAMN!!! (Mike)

I do not think that Donald Trump should be assassinated! 

I think that he should be:

. Impeached by the House

. Convicted by the Senate

. Tried by the courts

. Convicted for all his long list of crimes,

. Have his name erased from all buildings & documents and sent for life to El Salvador's CECOT Prison!

.That is what true Justice looks like!

I UNDERSTAND WHY MAGA THINKS TRUMP IS A GOD.

EVERY TIME HE SHOWS UP ANOTHER PLAGUE HAPPENS.

A three year old heard us talking about social security numbers. He asked what his is. I said: I'll tell you, but you cant tell anyone. He agreed. I told him his social security number is 9. Twenty three minutes later he told the mailman.

I’ve decided to do the May Challenge this year. I may go off the rails, or I may not. (Bilbo)

MY GIRLFRIEND AND I WERE WALKING WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN TEMPERATURES DROPPED AND IT STARTED HAILING.

SHE WASN'T WEARING A JACKET, SO I GAVE HER MINE.

I KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE COLD BUT I TRIED NOT TO LET ON THAT I WAS.

I WAS PLEASED WITH MY ACT OF SHIVERY.

Frank is a cat. Frank learned that the Roomba starts when you step on it. Frank now rides the Roomba at 2 AM like a tiny furry warlord surveying his kingdom.

Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?

*Looks back at my trailer full of donkeys*

Me: "Because I'm ... hauling ass"

Yes, Trump doesn't take a salary.

But neither do thieves.

If you make a living stealing,

you don't need a salary.

HOW WAS HELL CREATED:

I. EARLY JUDAISM: SHEOL - EVERYONE GOES THERE. NO TORTURE NO REWARD. JUST ... DEAD.

2. LATER JUDAISM: JUDGMENT AND RESURRECTION START SHOWING UP. STAKES GET HIGHER.

3. GREEK TRANSLATION: SHEOL BECOMES HADES. NEW LANGUAGE, SLIGHT SHIFT IN MEANING.

4. JESUS-ERA LANGUAGE: GEHENNA, A SYMBOL OF DESTRUCTION JUDGMENT, NOT A DETAILED TORTURE CHAMBER.

5. EARLY CHRISTIANITY: HEAVEN VS. PUNISHMENT BECOMES MORE DEFINED.

6. MEDIEVAL CHURCH: HELL TURNS INTO A FULL-BLOWN ETERNAL TORTURE SYSTEM

NOT A SINGLE INVENTION, MORE LIKE A SLOW REWRITE OVER CENTURIES.

Me: All bullshit! BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Her: I prefer guys who make small dick jokes about themselves over guys who make big dick jokes about themselves.

Him: I got a medium dick... It can talk to ghosts.

Guy1: I found a flaw in the Riemann hypothesis and can prove that 1705542 is a prime number. 

How can I get my proof published?

Guy2: The prime factors of 1705542 are 2 x 3 x 17 x 23 x 727.

You have NO proof, and will NEVER be published -

except possibly in the BOOK OF IDIOTS. 

(I did the math. Guy2 is correct.)

Girls! Think how much fun this could be!

FEMALE KANGAROOS HAVE THREE VAGINAS, TWO UTERUSES AND CAN SIMULTANEOUSLY SUPPORT THREE YOUNG AT DIFFERENT STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT.

From the article...

This might be the most advanced reproductive system in the animal kingdom. A female kangaroo can support three babies at once — one in the pouch, one still nursing, and one paused as an embryo waiting for the perfect moment to develop. It’s not chaos, it’s precision. Even more unbelievable, she can produce two different types of milk at the same time, each tailored to the needs of different joeys. Nature didn’t just design survival here, it engineered efficiency at a level that feels almost futuristic. Every stage is perfectly timed, perfectly balanced, and perfectly adapted to harsh environments. This is evolution working like a biological machine you wouldn’t believe existed.

There are two types of Trump supporters: billionaires and dumbasses...check your bank account to see which one you are! 

Laci: So after all that drama ... the people who skipped the COVID vaccine are just ... fine?

Doctor: Survivorship bias is strong on this one.

Maybe you don't know that over 1.1 million people died of Covid in America alone with a lot

of them being unvaccinated .... And the people who skipped the vaccine and died aren't posting on social media.

The people who skipped the vaccine aren't "just fine"; some are dead, and some have long COVID ...... 

And the rest are alive despite their choice, not because of it.

I’m not antisocial, I’m socially selective. (Bilbo)

"If Trump was a Democrat would you still hate him?"

Trump WAS a Democrat, and YES, I hated him then too, you soup fork.

No one hates Trump because he's a Republican. 

We hate him because he's a shitty human being, which was evident long before his time in politics.

(HA!)

6681 - Thursday trees

I had to set up a new folder for Bilbos trees. I have 21 emails from him that I haven't gotten to yet. I have one tree pic this week. The other 19 are Bilbos.

Mine!

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